DCTP Writing Group

[CoolKid94]

^mangaluva

[mangaluva]

I prefer to email back word documents with comments in the document because it's easier for the writer to work with (this is what my fanfic beta does for me). If you can't/don't use Word, let me know and I can send comments in a different manner

[Commi-Ninja]

Hey, I finally caught up! (Sorry it took so long.)
I'm breaking this down into spoiler boxes to make it easier to find your comments.

Kor:

Spoiler: Shedim

I was a little confused at first because I didn't realize (until I went back and re-read your email) that it was part of something longer. I wasn't clear on whether this was the beginning, though, or somewhere in the middle. I think it works fine as a beginning, opening with Ariel and Geld. Essentially, what I understand is that Geld has to free this guardian, Dawn, in order to defeat Azazel and his minions, but when Dawn wakes, she doesn't have her memories or her power. I assume the rest of the screenplay is about Geld and Dawn finding the other orb and the one the guy stole so they can defeat Azazel.

Overall, I think it's a pretty interesting concept, and a good beginning. I liked that I could tell which child was speaking without having to read every tag to figure it out, as well as most of the other characters. There was only one instance where it was difficult for me: near the end, between Azazel and his minions, I kept losing track of who was who. Obviously, this wouldn't necessarily be an issue for a screenplay, as there's a visual aid.

The interactions between Geld and Dawn were a bit awkward at first, as Geld was trying to get her to save everyone without paying attention to what she was actually saying. For their first meeting, that's not too surprising, especially since Geld was probably in a panic. They were being attacked after all.

I wouldn't mind reading more of it (or all of it) to get the full story.

mangaluva:

Spoiler: The Black Void

In summary, there are three cat-girls and one dog-boy who must retrieve a demon-possessed artifact from an exhibit, then destroy it. In the process they are attacked by another demon and must kill it before humans show up. Once this is done, they submerge the artifact to expel the demon.

I like the concept of a forum of animal-people who travel the world and hunt demons, and the shapeshifting they do. (Though I imagine that would be pretty annoying for Biancashark when she's not near water... speaking of, would that work if she's in a lake and not an ocean? Not that it matters for the context of this story; I'm just curious.) I like the scene in the museum where they're tricking the security guard so one of the other girls can get the artifact out. I'm also curious about the Dance. What is it, what does it do, what is it that scared Alf so much?

I had trouble keeping track of which girl was which, they all sound so much alike. I didn't know whether that was intentional, because they're sisters, or what. I understood that they all had different abilities and were different types of cats, I just couldn't always remember who was supposed to be who. For me, it would be easier if their voices were a bit more distinct.

CoolKid:

Spoiler: The Search for the Scrolls

It starts off with a queen dropping off a baby girl, who turns out not to be human at all, to someone with whom she has made a deal, and somehow this girl and her twin are extremely important, as they're the last of their kind. Then it jumps to Steve, a boy at the beginning of his high school career. He has a connection with the person for whom he is grading/peer-editing an essay, though he doesn't know who she is in person. There is an incident on the school bus involving racial tension, and Steve and Hannah get involved and end up in the police station. They bond over their shared experience and their English papers, and eventually Hannah asks Steve to join her on her mission. She works for the police, sort of, and Steve's father, who is a policeman, is strangely okay with Steve helping Hannah. They're trying to bust a counterfeiting operation. They get into the warehouse/building and snoop around, but have to quickly hide when the gang members return.

I was thinking that somehow Hannah and Steve are the twins from the beginning, especially considering their shared paper topic out of the blue like that and similar personalities. I'm interested to see how they're connected to the queen and the events of the prologue. I didn't understand why Steve's dad was so okay with Steve going with Hannah to get the evidence of counterfeiting. As a police officer himself, I can't imagine he would be okay with his son putting himself in that kind of potential danger. Especially when his only backup is another teenager and Steve is only fourteen (I'm assuming). Logically, it doesn't make sense.

I didn't like that the editing scene was so long. There was nothing going on, really, no tension. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, so I don't know how potentially important it is for establishing the characters, but it could be summarized a bit more or made more active. Sitting at a computer typing, regardless of what is going on in one's head, is pretty passive. Maybe someone in class is making a ruckus or maybe the computers all spontaneously crash and everyone loses all their work. Something to propel the characters into action.

[Kor]

Just one thing Commi,

Scrolls was by CoolKid94.

and yay, thanks for catching up and for the review!

I'm sorry for not being clear on the length of the screenplay. I probably should have clarified it better. It's going to be 120 pages.

I'll look into the scene with Azazel near the end, and see if I can improve the natural voices a bit more.

[Commi-Ninja]

Oh, oops. I'll fix it.

[mangaluva]

Thanks for the comments. I'm putting a bit more work into the girls' dialogue on rewrites, ideally so that you can tell who's saying what without any dialogue tags at all. (And the sharks can transform in fresh water; they're a bit hardier than regular sharks, so they can do alright in salt or freshwater. But land is still pretty suffocating for them if they're not in human form XP The sharks do appear quite a bit later in the book.)

[CoolKid94]

Just realized that I never actually responded to your comments, so I figured I'd do that now.

CoolKid94:

Spoiler: The Search for the Scrolls

It starts off with a queen dropping off a baby girl, who turns out not to be human at all, to someone with whom she has made a deal, and somehow this girl and her twin are extremely important, as they're the last of their kind. Then it jumps to Steve, a boy at the beginning of his high school career. He has a connection with the person for whom he is grading/peer-editing an essay, though he doesn't know who she is in person. There is an incident on the school bus involving racial tension, and Steve and Hannah get involved and end up in the police station. They bond over their shared experience and their English papers, and eventually Hannah asks Steve to join her on her mission. She works for the police, sort of, and Steve's father, who is a policeman, is strangely okay with Steve helping Hannah. They're trying to bust a counterfeiting operation. They get into the warehouse/building and snoop around, but have to quickly hide when the gang members return.

I was thinking that somehow Hannah and Steve are the twins from the beginning, especially considering their shared paper topic out of the blue like that and similar personalities. I'm interested to see how they're connected to the queen and the events of the prologue. I didn't understand why Steve's dad was so okay with Steve going with Hannah to get the evidence of counterfeiting. As a police officer himself, I can't imagine he would be okay with his son putting himself in that kind of potential danger. Especially when his only backup is another teenager and Steve is only fourteen (I'm assuming). Logically, it doesn't make sense.

I didn't like that the editing scene was so long. There was nothing going on, really, no tension. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, so I don't know how potentially important it is for establishing the characters, but it could be summarized a bit more or made more active. Sitting at a computer typing, regardless of what is going on in one's head, is pretty passive. Maybe someone in class is making a ruckus or maybe the computers all spontaneously crash and everyone loses all their work. Something to propel the characters into action.

OK, well I'm glad you like it so far. The draft I sent out to everyone was just a pretty rough draft of the beginning (I'd scrapped the first five chapters four months ago and was rebuilding from scratch). So I'm not surprised you picked up on the incompleteness of it. The draft has been heavily updated since then, which provides more information on the motivations of the various characters. I also removed most of the race indicators since they aren't really required for the narrative. I can send out a new draft to anyone that requests it reflecting these changes.

As for your theories you brought up, I won't confirm or deny anything at this point. All I'll say is that there are many more characters to be introduced starting with chapter six, so I ask you not to get too attached to any particular theory quite yet.

Finally, the editing scene was solely put in place to establish Steve's character: smart & quick-thinking, but still popular. The editing is just a background that could be replaced by just about anything with little issue. Since the scene is a bit boring, I took the time to introduce some of the other characters seen later as well as a bit of world-building. Once Steve's character was established enough, I ended the scene and started the action in order to let readers judge the character for themselves. If it sounds like I'm criticizing you, I'm not; I'm just outlining my thought process I used to write that scene.

If anybody has any more comments/concerns, feel free to let me know. And thanks for reviewing!

[Commi-Ninja]

It's good to hear what your thoughts were behind writing the scenes - it's much easier to understand your choices that way, rather than just speculating.

[mangaluva]

Anyone interested in resurrecting this thread?

Or in entering this?

http://www.barefictionmagazine.co.uk/co ... ons/rules/

[Kor]

Or in entering this?

http://www.barefictionmagazine.co.uk/co ... ons/rules/

Might be nice to try and write a short story for this, especially since the deadline is pretty far from now. I think my biggest problem, though, in short stories is that the themes I tend to go for are more appropriate for novel material than what's normally seen in a short story. Then again, I do have this one piece, which might actually work for such a competition. Just need to make sure it fits the maximum length (and I'll probably email one of my former professors and ask her if said piece is worthy for a competition anyway).

Actually before I even consider anything, do you know what the said magazine usually looks for or publishes (genres, heavy vs light stuff, etc.)?

Anyone interested in resurrecting this thread?

I do, but I kinda hoped other people will want to submit stuff.

[Stopwatch]

It's summer holidays now so except for a few things I'm mostly free now which means I can actually read through and say stuff about some of the stories if anyone is still interested? If you really need other people to submit stuff though I can try to write something, but warning everyone in did advance that it will be absolutely terrible :x.

But first, I should probably catch up with this thread. Or, y'know, I might just reread the entire thread.

[Kamite]

Are there any writing contest in the America?
Also I want to submit a story here that I wrote two years ago. If anyone doesn't mind.

[Kor]

It's summer holidays now so except for a few things I'm mostly free now which means I can actually read through and say stuff about some of the stories if anyone is still interested?

I'm interested. But I'll probably send you a more edited version of the section I sent back then cause I think it's better now.

Are there any writing contest in the America?

When I get around to it, I'll try to look around the internet for one. But I intend to ask one of my professors if she has any idea where to look for. If I find something, I'll post it in this thread.

Also I want to submit a story here that I wrote two years ago. If anyone doesn't mind.

No problem. Just for the sake of courtesy you'd need to give your critique on some of the pieces that were already submitted (I don't remember if you're on the email list or not).
How long is the story?

[Kamite]

Is around 750 words. And what works do I critique?

[Kor]

Is around 750 words.

No problem with the length.

And what works do I critique?

First 40 pages of my screenplay
mangaluva's first 5000 words of her novel
First three chapters of CoolKid94's novel

Not necessarily in that order, and you don't have to do it all at once so you can take your time.

------------

New idea. Maybe instead of the current format, we try a more "chaotic" system: Every two weeks, we all send our pieces through email, and then just critique each other for the next two weeks until the next (flexible) deadline. That way we might be able to cover more ground, and even if only one person ends up sending something, at least we won't end up in an inactive status again.

Might be a bit too much for the very busy people, though.