DCTP Writing Group

[mangaluva]

I might be busy between the 18th and 31st because a friend is visiting and then I'm moving into my new flat, but otherwise I'm pretty good for free time.

[Kor]

By the by, manga, did you get an answer from the contest you submitted that short story to?

[mangaluva]

Wasn't accepted. But it was fun to write and I got some good feedback from you guys, so, y'know, it's all good.

[Kor]

BK is currently writing something, so he doesn't seem to have anything ready at the moment. And no one else as of yet has contacted me about submission.

So theoretically we can go into the original plan from back then and I'll just send the next 40 pages, or we delay the next piece submission for next week and let the "catching-up" timeframe another week. I'm cool with both options.

[Kor]

Change in plans:

CoolKid94 will send something.

[CoolKid94]

Sent the email to all the addresses Kor gave me. Hope you all like it!

[bluekaitou1412]

Hello guys, I'm enjoying reading your stories so far, but it'll be a while before I get to air my thoughts regarding them. Anyhow, got a question: Are we allowed to submit stories that have local flavor? Er. How do I say this... I wrote a story, and ofc it's in English, but I used some elements closer to home like local terms and stuff so I'm not really sure if I should still show it. >_<

[Kor]

I think if you make a list with explanations to stuff which you think we might not understand that well, and send it along with the story, we'll be fine.
Worst case scenario some stuff might go over our head, or if we don't understand something, we'll just ask you a bunch of questions.

At least that's my opinion on such an issue.

[bluekaitou1412]

Oh, that's good. I guess I'll just add footnotes.

[mangaluva]

I don't see anything wrong with bringing up aspects of non-Brittanic/American cultures. Actually sounds kinda cool. If it doesn't make sense at all from context, we can always ask and you can decide if the context clues need to be altered or if footnotes are the way to go.

[CoolKid94]

It might actually make it more enjoyable if you put in stuff that not everyone knows. It would make for a nice change of pace, anyways.

[Commi-Ninja]

I had every intention of catching up this week, and I'll still try to do some of it tomorrow, but suffice it to say stuff came up. Sorry!

[Kor]

Okay, finished reading!

Critiquing: The Search for the Scroll by CoolKid94

I think this was written well. No grammar issues or typos as far as I could see (besides one). I like the world building so far (or at least the issue of race seems to be kinda prominent in the environment of the characters). Characters and dialogue were fine too, and the descriptions (especially in the prologue) were quite good.
The prologue gave some fantastical elements to look forward to, so I was kinda disappointed we didn't get back to those elements as of yet, but well... only first 5700 words, so I suppose it's a bit too soon for that. Initially after reading the prologue, I thought maybe you could do without it and add the information from there later in the novel, but since the fantastical elements didn't surface yet, after reading the whole thing I suppose the prologue should stay. I'm not sure how common it is, but I sort of expected the objective/omniscient point of view from the prologue to switch into subjective/limited point of view as of chapter 1.

As far as I can get, this is basically a YA-ish novel, and this is where I'm kinda biased I suppose, since I'm not really into YA. I couldn't help but feel that Steve, as a protagonist, felt a bit on the passive side. So far his only shining moment for me was when he stood up to the girls.
Hannah's characterization on the other hand is pretty good.

Several things I was a bit unsure of:
1) Why does Hannah ask Steve to help her? They've only met and it seems like the stuff Hannah does is quite dangerous. Even though Steve proved himself capable against the bullies and has an officer dad, it still seems a bit too quick. Is she desperate for help or company?
2) What's Steve's motivation to agree to help her?

There's also another issue I have (not a major one), but that might be a very personal stylistic preference, so I want to wait and see if other people mention it too before I say something that might be unnecessary.

Several nitpicks:

That confused Steve. It wasn’t the MO of any street gang to just leave aggressors alone. “Why?” was all he muster in response.

A grammar issue, I think.

The class had drawn topics of a hat, but by sheer coincidence Hannah had received the exact same topic he had. It was a sad read, to be honest, since she talked about how hard it was living with just her mother, although she was happy to have her.

I find the bolded part a bit unnecessary cause it's a third person narrator, so unless the narrator is going end up mattering at some point, this sudden input by the narrator is a bit confusing.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by a loud chorus of complaining that had suddenly erupted. On the screen (which was built into the desk), another essay had appeared, one that had not been written by him.

Since this is the only spot (so far) in which there are parentheses, I suggest to get rid of them and put that tiny bit of info in another place. You did a good job at explaining and describing stuff so far, so that one spot with parentheses just feels a bit awkward.

Beyond that, good job so far!

----------------------------

Gonna edit the title of the thread and edit the first post.

[CoolKid94]

Just wanted to thank everybody who's given me feedback so far (all of 2 people). I appreciate the tips because they let me know just what I was struggling with in terms of characterization and plotting. So thanks!

In response to some of the issues brought up, I redid the motivations and backgrounds of several characters and fixed the character descriptions. All of the grammar issues have been fixed, including some that no one picked up on.

As you might have guessed, the more magical/supernatural stuff starts back up in the next chapter, while the world featured in the prologue (it's not Earth, BTW) shows up in Ch. 6.

I'm looking forward to any further feedback that other members of the group might be willing to share!

A redo of the end of chapter three is in the spoiler if anyone cares:

Spoiler:

-Voices suddenly echoed down the hall from the entrance, making Steve freeze. He ducked behind a printer and quickly made his way over to where Hannah was hiding. “Why are they here?” she hissed quietly, her gaze focused on the door to the elevator hall. Five men suddenly burst through the door, looking around suspiciously.

-“Keep an eye out,” said one, a middle-aged man that Steve recognized from some police profiles his dad kept on his desk. He realized that the five men were the Syndicate subcommanders, the leaders of the five individual gangs. Their main leader, who even the police had never been able to properly identify, wasn’t there. Four men began searching the room while the fifth guy stood in front of the door. Oddly, there were all unarmed.

-“What’s going on?” Steve whispered.

-“Calm down,” Hannah commanded, gripping his forearm tightly. She dug into her bag again and withdrew a small pistol. Steve stared at it in horror, but Hannah said, “Relax, Steve. I’ve been in worse situations. Now, hide somewhere until the coast is clear.”

-But Steve shook his head. “You wanted me here so that I could help out. I can’t help out by hiding.” Without waiting for her to retort, he took position next to an aisle that one guy was walking down.

[Kor]

Just wanted to thank everybody who's given me feedback so far (all of 2 people). I appreciate the tips because they let me know just what I was struggling with in terms of characterization and plotting. So thanks!

Who's the other person? (unless it's not related to this group)