My novel

[hakkaino7]

...some minor and common grammatical errors...

Where? If a grammatical error is too common, it may has well be accepted since reading a story is like reading the mind of the writer. And not like reading an encyclopedia or an English proficiency book. ie: the word "gonna" (going to) is (or was?) not in the dictionary. But I've noticed that my Firefox spellchecker is not underlining the word "gonna"

[Kor]

Anyway, aside from some minor and common grammatical errors, this was great, really :-bd I am so going to buy this if it ever comes out in my country.

Thanks for the feedback! can you point out where are the mistakes? the editor took care of this chapter and if there are grammar mistakes, I should let her know (she's from englend btw, so if she messes up...I'm in trouble...)

while it's good to know people like it, I hope the following chapters won't ruin the feeling, since they have some different turns (I'll probably post here until chapter 6 since the first 6 are probably the most critical chapters that I need feedback about)

[Kor]

here is part 1 of chapter 2 (which is long so I don't want to make a hell big post)

disclaimer before you read: a very familiar element from Conan is inside. However, I started to watch Conan last year, but I started to develop the plot for the book two years ago therefore this element wasn't influenced from Gosho. I don't know from where I got it though, because I remember this concept ever since I was little so...well you'll find out soon...that is if you read.

Spoiler:

©
    In a few seconds the light faded and the scroll vanished from Mardock's hand. He had never tried to seal a demon's powers before, especially with such a unique seal. The real challenge for him though had just started; he knew the outcome of the special seal he had just used.
    Sapphire sat on the ground, dazed; she didn't know what had just happened. All she knew was that a huge beam had passed through her seemingly without affecting her at all, except she still had a weird sensation in her body, as though something was missing. She glanced up at Mardock standing near her. For some reason, he seemed much taller than before. He looked at her but didn't attack her. Why not? – that was the question.
    "What…what happened?" she asked, and hearing her own voice quickly covered her mouth. Her voice had gone shrill -- or rather, sounded younger. When covering her mouth, she hadn't felt her hands on her face at all, only her shirt sleeves. She looked wonderingly at her hands and saw that somehow her shirt had grown very large. She looked down only to see that her pants were too big too, but aside from that she saw another shocking thing or, to be precise, didn't see something that had been there before. "My breasts have gone!" Horrified and barely able to do anything she crawled to a nearby puddle. Then, as she gazed in the water, came the real shock. Her face had grown younger, much younger. Like herself as a child.
    "What's this?" she shouted, struggling to her feet. She ran to Mardock and almost tripped over because her pants were too big or… was she too small?
    "That's better, right?" Mardock smiled. Sapphire tried to punch him with her small fists, but Mardock tapped her on the head and stopped her.
    "What have you done to me?" Sapphire cried, still hitting out at him.
    "Isn't it obvious?" Mardock said "I sealed your powers to stop you from using them."
    "So why do I look like this?" she asked angrily.
    "Daemons start developing special powers at a certain stage of their childhood," Mardock explained, "so if you are still a small child, you don't have any powers yet. That's how this seal works."
    "Get me back to how I was," she hissed, "or you'll be sorry!"
    Mardock smiled. "You will stay like this for a while."
    "Change me back! Change me back!" Sapphire kept shouting as she tried to attack him. But even if she'd been able to, it wouldn't have hurt Mardock.
    Mardock sighed. The real challenge for him had just begun: the thing was, he didn't specially care for kids. But neither did he want to kill Sapphire, so this, he supposed, was his best option. Now he was going to have to take care of a child. However, he did have two young apprentices so it shouldn't be all that hard. "If I change you back, you'll kill me," he said quite coolly.
    Sapphire, ignoring the remark, kept trying to get at him. She was so enraged, but even worse, there were things going on inside her she had never felt before. What were these things?
    Then, suddenly tired, she backed off.
    "Right," said Mardock, gathering up his stuff. "Shall we get going?"
    "Going? Going where?" Sapphire defiantly stuck out her small chin.
    "To my house." Mardock responded simply.
    "Why should I go to your house?" she pouted.
    Mardock glanced at her "Because now you need to be taken care of, and since I'm the one who turned you into a child then I guess that's my responsibility."
    Sapphire was dumbstruck. She stared at Mardock, her sapphire-blue eyes wide in shock. "You…you turned me into a child!" she finally found her voice, "And now you tell me to go home with you so you can take care of me! You know what? You're a sick person!"
    Mardock, having no idea what Sapphire meant, turned tail and started walking off into the forest. It was getting dark and he wanted to be home in time for supper. Hanging around there with Sapphire in any case wasn't going to convince her to come with him.
    "Hey, where are you going?" Sapphire called after him.
    Mardock ignored her, just kept walking. Sapphire followed him, but with her childlike body, each step was much smaller than it used to be. She decided she'd have to run like mad if she didn't want to be left behind. She had no idea what she was doing or why she was following him, all she knew was that she needed him to change her back to the way she was before.
    Running as fast as she could she soon tripped over her trouser legs and fell flat on her face. Not only was she now all wet and muddy, but strangely enough the fall really hurt her. She raised her head from the wet grass and looked up Mardock who stood waiting. He was probably laughing at her now because she was so helpless. At least that's what she thought.
    She got onto her feet, shook her little legs out of the long trousers and slipped off her underwear. Her shirt came down to her knees and any other clothes would have just been a hindrance.
    Once she caught with Mardock he resumed walking, with Sapphire a few steps behind. "I'm only following you so you'll change me back, you know," she said.
    Mardock grinned: "And what would you do if I said I couldn't change you back?"  
    Sapphire, open-mouthed, stood in her tracks. Did that mean she was doomed to stay in the form of a child forever? Or would she have to grow up again? Her mind taken up with these worries, she became aware of something she had never felt before. But what was it? Everything suddenly went blurred and faded out of vision. What was happening? Did this also have something to do with the seal?
    Sensing that Sapphire had stopped walking Mardock stopped too and turned round. And there was Sapphire standing motionless, her bright blue eyes shining as though filled with tears. He sighed sadly, it was all his fault. The seal he had used was a special seal which not only blocked Sapphire's powers, but also gave her human-like feelings and emotions, and since she never had emotions before, she needed to get used to them and know them. In those moments she must have been going through some difficult emotions and Mardock had to be sensitive to what was happening. "I was only kidding," he said, trying to reassure her. "If you're a good girl I'll change you back."
    Sapphire looked at him clearly relieved. And there was a different sensation too, something she didn't know how to express. It was a good feeling -- especially after that bad feeling she'd had when Mardock told her he wouldn't be able to change her back. "My eyes are…" she started saying, but she didn't know how to go on.
    Mardock took a handkerchief out of his pocket. "Here, dry your eyes," he said, offering it to her.
    Sapphire did as Mardock said and her vision came back to normal. Mardock walked on contentedly.
    As she followed him Sapphire took in all she saw around. The colors of the human world were very different from those of the demon world. But could she really go back to the demon world in her present state? She would be laughed at for the rest of her life or someone could kill her while she was in this weak and helpless condition. Her mother was a powerful Daemon and may therefore be able to remove the seal, but how was Sapphire going to reenter the demon world? Maybe, she thought, maybe someone would come looking for her, then she could escape. Of course. She was sure someone would come. She was, after all, a Daemon. A demon of the noblest clan in the demon world, and every lesser demon must follow her orders, especially since she came from a very aristocratic family.
    "Eh…" Sapphire stammered, "I-I feel kind of...funny"
    "Of course you do," said Mardock, not slowing his pace, "you don't have your powers anymore, you've been turned into a child and now you have emotions and feelings that humans have, whether you like it or not."
    "I know I don't have my powers, I know I've turned into a child and have emotions. What I'm saying is - "  There! That was it! She realized what it was she'd felt before. Emotions. The things humans have and demons are not allowed to have, the things that more than all else distinguish a human from a demon. Why did she suddenly have emotions? She didn't want that. It was something bad, feeble, pathetic.
    Sapphire stopped again "Why did you do this to me?" she asked. Mardock shrugged his shoulders and sighed.  "Why did you take away my powers," she went on. "Why did you turn me into this, and force me to have those things you call emotions? You could have just killed me and finish."
    Mardock looked at her again. "Because I pitied you," he said, "and you didn't seem to me like a bad person. I sealed your powers and demonic blood so you could see that living like a normal human with emotions isn't a bad thing. As long as you see it as a bad thing you won't be able to enjoy being a human so I suggest you calm down and give it a try. Now, let's hurry, it's supper time."
    "Why should I go with you?" she yelled at him again. "Obviously you don't intend to change me back because you know I'd kill you. You may have turned me into this weak form, but you can't force me to come with you!"
    Mardock smiled. "So far, you're the one who followed me. I didn't force you to come with me, but in your state you can't take care of yourself and if I leave you on your own you'll die, so you'd better come with me."
   Sapphire folded her arms and turned her back like a stubborn child "No way!" she stamped her small foot.
   Mardock sighed again; she was more trouble now than when she was an adult demon. "Oh well, I'm sure that the orphanage in the village has a place for another child," he said.
    "Do you think that you can scare me so I'll come with you?" Sapphire snorted, "I don't even know what an orkanage is."
    Mardock couldn't help laughing. Orkanage!
    Sapphire glared at him "What's so funny?"
    "Nothing," replied Mardock, "But don't you think that what you don't know is always scarier than what you know?"
    Sapphire sat herself on a rock and announced "I'm going to wait here for someone who'll come to take me back to the demon world."
    "Jolly good luck," smiled Mardock, "Just beware of the "orkanages". They like to eat kids as a late-night snack." He walked on.
    "You don't scare me," Sapphire scoffed. And even if those 'Orkanages' liked to eat children, that was not her problem. She was an adult, wasn't she?  But she soon realized her mistake. She sighed. She didn't like being a child; it was frustrating to be small and helpless.
    Suddenly she heard a strange howl like that of a hound-like demon. But it could hardly be a demon, she thought, because she was in the human world. She had learned about the human world in the demon world. In the human world there weren't just humans but there were other creatures that were called animals and insects, maybe that wail was of an animal, maybe it was an Orkanage.
    Again she heard that sound, this time it sent a shiver down her spine; maybe there was an Orkanage nearby that wanted to eat her. It was dark and she was scared. It was weird, she was actually scared. She had never been scared before in her life. Was it because she had lost her powers and felt helpless? No, it couldn't be that, because earlier while she was paralyzed she wasn't scared. She was never scared of anything, even death, but now the wail of a mere animal from the human world scared the wits out of her.
    She must run and catch up with Mardock, she decided, then she'd be safe from any Orkanages that may come to eat her. Strange that she thought Mardock could protect her, he was a human after all. Still, it may be best to let him protect her for a while.
    Mardock slowed down, knowing it was only a matter of time till Sapphire changed her mind and came running after him.
    Never having used the seal before he had been quite taken by surprise at the change that had come over Sapphire from the moment she was turned into a child. She was a different personality.
    "Hey wait!" Sapphire called after Mardock as she got into shouting range.
    "So, have you changed your mind?" Mardock called, steadily walking on.
    Sapphire caught up with him "I'm only coming with you because I don't want to be out here on my own, and you told me yourself that since you turned me into this you have some kind of responsibility for me." She put her hands on her stomach. "Also, I'm hungry."
    "Don't worry," Mardock smiled, "we're almost there."
A moment's silence, then Mardock told Sapphire he'd like to ask her a question. She just looked at him. "You could kill me immediately with your powers," he said, "yet you choose not to. Why?"
    Sapphire hung her head shamefacedly. "Well, you know, you're famous in the demon world, so I wanted to find out how powerful you really were. Apart from that, I just wanted a bit of fun. How could I know you'd paralyze me and seal my powers? And it never occurred to me that you could beat me so easily when I was off-guard."  
    Mardock scratched his stubbly chin and made his statement. "You were arrogant," he said. She raised her blue eyes and stared at him -- Mardock was almost twice her height. "It's a common among demons," he continued, "usually the noble and powerful ones. A lot of demons I fought against thought that because I was merely a powerless mortal, they would have no trouble killing me, but I always defeat them because they think so much of themselves and never realize that their arrogance is the cause of their downfall."
    Sapphire lowered her eyes with sigh.
    After a while a small house with a stable attached came into view. "Here we are," announced Mardock.
    The house looked so horrible from the outside Sapphire couldn't imagine how anyone could live in it. "You live in this dump?" she said rudely.
    Mardock smiled and stepped up to the door. "Yep," he said, "and this where you're going to live too."
    Sapphire couldn't help muttering "That's until someone comes to take me back home to the demon world."
     Mardock opened the door. Inside it was much nicer than the outside suggested. A red carpet was spread on the floor and round the fireplace were two couches with a sofa in-between. The place was warm and well lit. As Sapphire entered, a young man and woman came to greet Mardock,.
    "Welcome home master," the man said. The woman looked at Sapphire with some suspicion.
    "Sapphire," Mardock said, "these are my two apprentices, Rye and Iris." He turned to Rye and Iris. "Iris, Rye, this is Sapphire. She will be living here with us for now."
    Both Rye and Iris seemed surprised but Mardock promised to explain everything at supper. "Before that," he said, "I am going to change my clothes. And Iris, can you find something in your closet that would fit Sapphire? Oh, and dry her a bit, she got wet."
    Iris nodded "Yes master."
    Mardock went to his room leaving Sapphire with his two apprentices.
    Sapphire surveyed them. They both wore dark clothes. Rye was tall and well-built and had thick black hair. Iris was taller than average, though not as tall as Sapphire had been as an adult, and had a brown hair.
    Sapphire felt very uncomfortable standing between two future demon-slayers. She was a demon and in her helpless state they scared her.
    "Come with me then," said Iris gently and took Sapphire's small hand in her own. "Let's go to my room and find you some clothes."
    "I'll set the table." Rye said.
    They entered Iris's and Iris closed the door. By the door stood a closet, and the room had a window, a mirror, a small table and chair, a bedroll on the floor with a small purple chest next to it, and there was still some space left.
    "Were you caught in the rain?" Iris asked, taking a towel from her closet. Sapphire turned her back on Iris -- she didn't need to answer such stupid question, in fact she didn't need to do anything.
    Iris started drying Sapphire's hair with the towel. "What do you think you're doing?" Sapphire pulled herself away.
    "Your hair's wet, I just wanted to dry it, otherwise you'll catch cold," replied Iris kindly.
    Sapphire remained defiant. "I didn't ask you to dry my hair!" She didn't know why she was so cross at Iris for drying her hair; but she had to express her anger somehow.
    "Why are you shouting?" Iris asked "I just wanted to dry your hair." Iris didn't like a little girl shouting at her for no reason at all and couldn't understand why Mardock had brought this girl with him. Maybe the girl had been through something bad and didn't have anywhere to live, or maybe he'd decided to take her as a new apprentice. But the fact that she wore a shirt much too large for her made Iris think she had nothing else to wear so she must be homeless.
    "I can dry my hair myself!" Sapphire shouted.
    That's it! - Iris decided. "Fine, do it yourself!" she pushed the towel into Sapphire's small hands then looked through her closet for clothes she'd once worn, unsure whether she had anything that would fit Sapphire. Iris was Mardock's apprentice and had been living in this house since the age of twelve. But Sapphire looked younger than twelve. She finally found a dress and laid it on the chair "There!" she said and stomped out of the room.
    Sapphire dried her hair, although it would have been easier for her had Iris done it.  But if she could do it herself, why not? She wasn't really a child, and she didn't want to be treated like one. Maybe that was why she was so mad at Iris. Because Iris treated her like a child. Yet how could Iris know she wasn't really a child? After all, she had only just met her, and by appearance she could have easily been mistaken for a child. Anyhow, it was too late to put right what had happened. Then again, why should give a care if she annoyed Iris? Sapphire was a demon, was she not? She shouldn't even think about it, shouldn't care at all.
    She put the towel aside, took off her shirt and looked in the mirror. This was the first time she had ever seen herself clearly. Observing herself -- the childlike face, skinny body – made her feel very sad indeed. She looked exactly how she'd looked as a child, but she wasn't supposed to be a child. Why had this happened to her? Had she not been so arrogant, as Mardock claimed she was, she'd have killed him and avoided all this. Her vision again faded and that bad feeling she'd had before came back, only this time it was even worse. She sat down on the floor and hugged her shirt, the only thing of her own she had left since she lost her adulthood. She closed her eyes and hoped it was all a bad dream, that soon she'd wake up in her bed in the demon world. She opened her eyes, but alas, she was still a child in the house of humans.
    Tears rolled down her cheeks. She had never cried before of course and didn't know that the drops of salty water coming from her eyes were tears. It must be part of being a human, she guessed, and didn't like it at all. She felt bad and wanted to shout it out, but then Mardock or one of his apprentices would hear her and see her in her pathetic state. No, she couldn't allow that, she wasn't weak, she was a Daemon, the noblest race of all the demon races and even in her sad plight, she would have to live with it until she had a chance to solve it. If all she did was sit on the floor and think about what she could have done, nothing would ever happen. She had to be strong and find a way out.
    She wiped away her tears and put on the dress left by Iris, a white sleeveless dress. It felt a bit loose, but was otherwise quite comfortable. The dress looked simple and cheap, she never knew that cheap clothes could be comfortable -- she came from a noble family and usually dressed in style. But the way it looked now she'd have to put up the kind of clothes that were different from what she was accustomed to.

also, should I give every chapter a title, or leave it as "chapter 1, chapter 2, etc..."?

[hakkaino7]

also, should I give every chapter a title, or leave it as "chapter 1, chapter 2, etc..."?

It doesn't really matter though. Just don't do it like the Episode titles of Naruto where I keep getting spoiled

Shippuuden Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Like the title "Gaara dies"... I was like... "WTH! Did the title just spoiled me?" And then he really did die... well, he lived but I sure got my hopes down that he would be rescued before the bijuu was extracted from him

And another "Asuma Dies"... this one's the real wtf... I was still hoping that Shikamaru would be able to think of a way to save him before I read the episode title 

Sadly... the "Naruto dies" episode title was the only one where it didn't happen 

*starts reading even though I'm in the office  8)*

[CoolKid3]

I think it's necessary to give each chapter a descriptive title so that the readers would have a general idea what they are currently reading...

So far the anime series that have better episode titles are one word episode title. Another anime series that I like the episode titles is Welcome to the NHK...
They only replace the NHK with a word / group of words... For example, episode 1 is entitled Welcome to the Project while episode 2 is entitled Welcome to the Creator. These words have bearing to the episode.

Maybe you can invent your own style of giving title to chapters...

[kkslider5552000]

I will read chapter 2 part 1 another time because I JUST read chapter 1. Maybe I need to read it again but a lot of the first few paragraphs felt way too much like you explaining stuff because you needed to explain stuff instead of having the explanations fit logically into the story, if that makes sense. Or if I even make any sense for that matter.

I wasn't bored at all outside of the early explanations, which is rare for me reading novels, and even rarer for chapter 1.

[Kor]

I will read chapter 2 part 1 another time because I JUST read chapter 1. Maybe I need to read it again but a lot of the first few paragraphs felt way too much like you explaining stuff because you needed to explain stuff instead of having the explanations fit logically into the story, if that makes sense. Or if I even make any sense for that matter.

I wasn't bored at all outside of the early explanations, which is rare for me reading novels, and even rarer for chapter 1.

this is exactly the kind of comments I'm worried about (you didn't say something bad). I'm afraid that while chapter 1 was full of "not boring things" (except the explanations at the start as you said), the following chapters are a bit hmm...more boring because there were things that "had" to happen. I tried many times to decrease the amount of "boring stuff" but every little thing seems important to me (which is why I have to know what people think so I can make it "boring light")

regarding what you noted, I agree with you, however I couldn't think of a better place to explain it.
The first version of chapter 1 was actually Mardock is in the castle and slays the demon that targeted the princess. Then, the explanations made more sense (or maybe not...)

But...now that I think about it, there are some better places to fit logically better into the story and I'll change it tomorrow (though I'll only add it once the editing is done to not confuze the editor)

THANKS!

(I'll put part 2 of chapter 2 tomorrow once I wake up)

[Kor]

Part 2 of chapter 2:

Spoiler:

©
    Leaving Iris's room Sapphire heard voices coming from somewhere else in the house. She heard Iris saying "What's wrong with this girl, she started yelling at me for no good rea-" She shut up the moment Sapphire walked in. Mardock, Rye and Iris sat at a round table set with four plates. Between Rye's and Iris' chairs was an empty chair for Sapphire.
    "Would you like to join us?" Mardock asked.
    Sapphire sighed and meekly took her place. She looked at her plate of human food. "I can't eat that," she muttered, "human food doesn't suit me."
    Mardock smiled "In the demon world you never got the chance to eat human food, so just try and eat it, you won't know until you try, right? And besides, it would be an insult to Rye. He cooked the food."  
    Sapphire looked at Rye who smiled back.
    "What?" Iris exclaimed in horror. "She's a demon?"
    "Oh my, didn't I mention that?" Mardock apologized. Iris mutely shook her head, staring at her teacher in disbelief.
    "I knew there was something strange about her the moment she walked in," said Rye, "but she looked so harmless I didn't give it another thought."  
    "Well, then maybe I should explain the situation to you two." Mardock thereupon embarked on an explanation of what had happened between him and Sapphire, about the seal and why Sapphire needed to stay with them.
    Iris put down her glass. "Why didn't you just kill her there and then?" she confronted Mardock, "She's a demon after all! Why did you have to bring her here? And what if other demons come looking for her? If they know she went to the human world to fight you, they'll obviously search for you and eventually they'll find this place."
   Sapphire angrily intervened. "Would you stop talking about me as if I am not here! And if you'd really like to know, I don't even want to be here!"
    "Shut up demon, I wasn't talking to you!" Iris shouted back
  Rye sighed "Don't you think you're over reacting, Iris?"  
    Iris was taken aback. "So is it OK by you, Rye, if a demon lives here with us? She could kill us in our sleep!"
    Mardock stood up very angry. "That's enough Iris! I know the risks with Sapphire living here, but I also know there is no real danger. I've made up my mind and I am not going to leave a little girl alone and out in the cold."
    Iris tensed her fists; she was going to keep a careful eye on Sapphire and make sure she wouldn't try anything.
    Sapphire felt a jab of pain in her chest at Iris's words. Without even knowing her, Iris had immediately formed an opinion about her. But why should that bother Sapphire so much? Why should she care what a human thought? Her throat tightened so much she could hardly swallow her saliva and again she felt those drops of water welling up in her eyes.
    Rye smiled at her softly "Are you all right?"  Sapphire responded with a nod of her head. Rye's smile somehow made her feel better.
    Finally deciding to eat the human food, she picked up the knife and fork and tried to cut the meat. But however hard she tried, she couldn't do it.
    "Need any help?" Rye asked. Sapphire again slowly nodded in assent; in her present embarrassing state she was a bit shy to speak, but Rye didn't seem to mind. For some reason he was nice to her. As he cut the meat on her plate, Sapphire noticed he wore a thin glove on his right hand, but his other hand was bare. That seemed rather strange, she thought gloves should be worn on both hands, but maybe this was some kind of human fashion.
    "There you go," Rye smiled. Sapphire nodded and started to eat.
Having finished the meat, Sapphire then studied with some suspicion the strange yellow and green food on her plate.
    "Those are mashed potatoes and beans," Rye came to the rescue with an explanation. "You don't have to eat them if you don't want to."
    Iris folded her arms. "Rye, you don't need to spoil her like that, she isn't really a kid, you know, and besides she should eat everything. We're good enough to give her food and the way it looks we're also giving her a place to live. It'd be bad manners for her to not finish the food because then we'd have to throw it out and that would be a waste.
    "You have no right to talk to me like that!" Sapphire shouted at her.
    Iris smiled and said "Only I wasn't talking to you and if you live here I suggest you learn to know your place."
    Sapphire clenched her hands angrily, but she was helpless. Iris had the advantage over her and was using it to bully her. She wished there was someone to protect her from Iris, but why would Mardock or Rye do come to her aid?
    Rye then made a surprising move: he took Sapphire's plate and started to eat the mashed potatoes and the beans "If throwing away food is the problem then don't worry, Iris, I don't mind eating Sapphire's leftovers."  
    That cheered Sapphire up somewhat, but she was still a bit hungry and after what Iris had said, it looked as though she wasn't going to get any more food today.
    Rye, having finished his meal, stood up "Well, I think it's time for dessert," he said "And I'd love to hear what you think about it Sapphire." Sapphire looked at him puzzled -- she didn't know what a dessert was. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll like it," he said, heading for the kitchen.
    Rye's behavior towards Sapphire was the exact opposite of Iris's, a fact which seemed to irritate Iris somewhat. Sapphire wondered why Rye didn't mind her being a demon. Iris's attitude towards Sapphire had changed the moment she discovered she was a demon, but Rye didn't seem to care.
   A few seconds later a delicious sweet smell invaded the room and Rye returned from the kitchen with a large plate of some kind of colorful food. The aroma it produced was something Sapphire had never met before and just smelling it made her happy.
    "This is called a cake, Rye said."I hope you like it and please tell me what you think -- it's a new recipe." He cut a slice of the cake and gave it to Sapphire on a small plate. Sapphire took a small bite. It was the most delightful thing she had ever tasted. She ate it down to the last crumb and kept smiling even when she'd finished.
    Mardock Iris and Rye ate some cake too and there was still some left on the big plate. Sapphire would have liked another helping but didn't know if she was allowed to ask for more and didn't want to risk another comment from Iris. Then it suddenly struck her that since her arrival at Mardock's house, she had not exchanged a word with anyone except Iris. She hadn't even said one word to Rye, who was so nice.
    She looked at Rye and asked shyly "Can I have some more cake?"
    He nodded yes and gave her another piece.
    After they all finished eating, Mardock announced it was time for bed. "Now, what are we going to do about Sapphire?" he turned to his two apprentices.
    "She can sleep on my bedroll today and I'll sleep on the couch." Rye offered.
    Why a bedroll, Sapphire thought, she couldn't sleep on a bedroll, it was too uncomfortable. "Isn't there a bed here?" she asked.
    Her question was met by Iris's glare. But Mardock said, "There is a bed, and it's for me. But don't worry; I'm sure you'll be able to sleep on a bedroll."
    "We give you a place to sleep in, food, clothes, you didn't once say "thank you" and now you want more?" Iris said. Sapphire stayed silent, head bowed. She didn't know why she felt that way, but Iris made her feel ashamed. "Well, aren't you going to answer?" Iris kept on at her. Sapphire still didn't say a word.
    "You don't have to be so mean to her," Rye said, "she must be tired, it's late now and I think we should all go to sleep. Come Sapphire, I'll show you where my room is." Sapphire nodded and walked with Rye to his room.
    Rye's room was smaller than Iris's. Like Iris's; there was a bedroll, a desk, a chest, a chair and a closet, but there wasn't much space left. Rye arranged the bedroll for Sapphire "Goodnight Sapphire," he said and left the room.
    Now she was all alone in the dark room. She lay there on the bedroll and tried to will herself into a deep slumber, a slumber which she hoped she would never wake up from.
    In one day, her life had turned upside down -- from being one of the most powerful demons in the demon world to being a helpless little girl. This was the worst day in her whole life and she knew the days that followed would be even worse. She had to stay in this place until someone came for her. But what if no one ever came? What if she were left in the human world forever?
    Two years earlier her older sister had gone to the human world. She never came back. Her mother had not sent anyone to look for her and since then the sister had been assumed dead. But what if her sister was actually alive somewhere in the human world? What if her older sister was also turned by a demon- slayer into a child? The thought comforted her. Maybe she wasn't all alone after all, maybe her sister was somewhere out there?
   But then again, the human world was a big place -- how would she ever find her sister? Especially if she had also been turned into a child…? Sapphire started to feel miserable again; in any case, she and her siblings had never gotten along so well. Back she came her old dread: that no one would come looking for her. If no one came, she would have to stay with Mardock and his apprentices maybe forever. But how could she? She wasn't used to living in such a small house and Iris was constantly bullying her. She did not want to stay in this place.
    A flood of questions flowed through her mind, questions she couldn't answer. But one thing was certain: as long she was stuck in this place nothing would happen. If she wanted something to be done, she had to do it herself. There must be some hidden portals out there that would get her back to the demon world and maybe some magic users who would agree to change her back through magic, and she would somehow repay them once she was changed back… Or else just kill them.
    She hoped that once she returned to her old self all those feelings and emotions would disappear as if they never were, because she truly didn't like them, they took away her strength.
    Sapphire lost the track of time; she lay on the bedroll for hours planning her moves. Her first move would be to get out of Mardock's house, but she had one obstacle, Rye. He was sleeping on the couch on the living room which was near the exit; she'd have to sneak through without making any noise so as not to wake Rye. Mardock probably told him to keep an eye on the door and not let her escape. She knew Mardock wasn't going to let her get away, not because he wanted her to stay but because he was actually worried that she wouldn't be able to take care of herself. But Sapphire thought otherwise. After all how hard could it be?
    Sapphire walked out of the room as quiet as a mouse. A dim light came in from the windows, maybe it was almost morning. She didn't know how long she had been in Rye's room, maybe she had even dozed off there during the night. She walked over to the door and opened it slowly. But an awful thing happened -- the door squeaked. She spun round to see whether Rye had woken up, but found to her surprise he was not in the living room at all. With a sigh of relief and a smile on her face she stepped out of the house. She had succeeded in her first objective -- or so she thought.
   She had only gone a few feet from the house when she heard a familiar voice coming from behind: "Leaving so soon?" Sapphire looked back. It was Rye, sitting on a wooden bench outside the front door.
    Surprised as she was, Sapphire decided that Rye wasn't going to stop her and she'd leave anyway. "Yes." She answered plainly and turned around.
    "I'm not going to stop you." Rye said.
    Sapphire stopped and turned to Rye "So are you just going to let me, a little girl, go away on my own to a world that I don't even know?"
    Rye clasped his hands behind his head and said "It sounds almost like you want me to stop you, but in reality you are an adult, right? So I'm sure you'll manage to get along on your own. After all why would you want to live with a bunch of humans?"
    Sapphire was truly amazed. Rye was reading her mind like an open book and she couldn't help agreeing with what he said "Exactly!" she said. "So, I'm off. And by the way, the cake was delicious." She turned as if to leave. As she tried to make the first step she felt a flicker of doubt, but she couldn't turn back now, she had planned what she was going to do and she had to do it.
    "Of course, if you go, you will never eat any more delicious cakes." Rye said "And besides have you really thought what you're going to do next?"
    Sapphire turned to face him. "I'm going to find a way to get back to normal."
    Rye leaned against the wall. "And have you thought how you are going to do that?" he asked.
    Sapphire stepped up to him. "I know what you're after," she said, "you're trying to make me think I'm wrong and I'd do better stay here, right?"
    Rye grinned "Not at all. I am not going to stop you because I take you seriously. But do you think others will? How many people will believe you if you told them you are actually an adult who was turned into a child? Children usually come up with a lot of funny stuff, so there's no reason why anyone should believe you. Even if you told that to a powerful wizard and he believed you, why would he turn you back into a demon? He'd see no reason to dabble with such a dangerous being."
    "I have already decided that I'm leaving!" Sapphire declared, "Don't try and change my mind."
    Rye sighed "Fine, you win, but there is just one more thing I want to ask you."
    "What?" Sapphire replied with some irritation.
    "Have you ever watched the dawn in the human world?" Rye asked.
    Sapphire shook her head "No, I arrived yesterday in broad daylight," she said.
    Rye moved and made room on the bench for Sapphire "How about watching it with me then?" he asked, "I think the dawn is one of the most beautiful sights, especially when watching it from here. The sun starts to come out from behind the mountains in the east, and then beams of sunlight start to cover the entire land from the eastern mountains until it reaches these hills. I think you'd like it."
    Sapphire eyed Rye suspiciously, she thought he was trying to buy some time until Mardock woke up and stopped her from leaving.
    "Don't worry," Rye said, "It will only take a few minutes."
    Sapphire sighed and sat down on the bench next to Rye. If watching the dawn would make Rye give up his futile attempts to persuade her to stay she'd do what he suggested then finally leave.
    "What does the dawn look like in the demon world?" Rye asked her as they waited for the dawn.
    Sapphire yawned – she needed more sleep -- and said "I can't say it's the prettiest thing and I don't really know how to make it sound glamorous. Unlike here, our sun is black and the daytime skies are red. I prefer it when there's a full moon. The bright blue moon lights the skies of total blackness and penetrates the darkness."
    Rye looked at Sapphire and smiled "Sounds nice," he said and noticed that Sapphire was leaning against his right arm. To him she looked really tired and also innocent and cute. Despite the way Rye treated her, he was thinking of her more of child than an adult. Not only because of her appearance, but her childlike behavior made it hard to believe she'd been an adult before.
    "Do you think I will see the black sun or blue moon of the demon world ever again?" Sapphire asked him sadly.
    Rye wasn't sure what to answer. He couldn't tell if his master intended to turn her back to what she'd been. Fortunately, the dawn started and he changed the subject. "Look, the sun's rising." He pointed at the eastern mountains with his right hand. As he raised his hand, Sapphire's head came to rest on Rye's knees and she fell asleep.
    You'll see the dawn some other time Sapphire, Rye thought. Things had turned out as he hoped. Sapphire looked as though she never slept and was worn out. Rye had thought of a way to make Sapphire feel relaxed until she fell asleep. Luckily his plan had worked.
    He looked at her sleeping. Even though he knew she was a demon, she looked to Rye like a cute little angel.
    Rye carried the sleeping little girl in his arms tenderly so she wouldn't wake up, and took her back to his room. He laid her on the bedroll and covered her with the blanket. He quietly left the room and yawned.
    "Please don't tell me you were waiting outside the whole night in case she tried to sneak out." Mardock's voice came from behind.
    Rye sighed and said "It took her a bit of time."
    Mardock smiled, "I'd get some sleep if I were you. It'll be much harder dealing with her once she is full of energy."
    Rye sat down on the couch, looking a trifle anxious. "I suppose that means I'll have to take care of her all by myself today. I'd rather fight demons all day than do that."
    Mardock gave a quiet laugh. "Don't worry, Rye; she seems to have a soft spot for you."
    "I guess so," Rye said with a smile.

[Kor]

I didn't revive this topic! I just eh......healed its wounds!

the reason for reusing this thread is because my agent asked me to edit the first chapter, so I wanted to ask for opinions.
So to point ahead:
1) Almost all of the large explanation at the start are removed (why didn't I listen to kkslider's point back then, is beyond me. I was probably too lazy after having to rewrite half of the novel).
2) The princess subplot thing was completely removed anyway after the second rewrite of my manuscript
3) It starts directly from Sapphire's and Mardock's meeting in attempt to draw the reader's interest in the first line and to not waste the reader's time (yes, I do quote this sentence from somewhere, if that's what it sounded like  :|)

Spoiler:

Chapter One (©)
    The last thing Mardock expected was to be followed by a demon on his way back home. He pulled out his bottle of holy-water: "Why are you following me?" he asked the demon with a smile.
    "Because if I kill you, the great Mardock, I'll be the heroine of the whole demon world," she said.  
    Mardock was known as the legendary Demon Slayer. This was because fifteen years before, he had singlehandedly slain an army of a hundred demons. That made his name echo throughout the demon world and still today he is feared by many a demon.
    Very few people can slay demons. To do this, one requires special mystical powers or the use of magic. Thus if demons ever appeared in this world, not many humans would know how to get rid of them. A demon showing up in the human world was quite common in bygone times, and the only solution found to deal with the problem was known as Demon Slaying. A demon couldn't be killed by the sword alone; the demon-slayer had to channel his spiritual powers into his weapon in order to actually harm it. There were many ideas about how a demon could be killed, like using holy water or a silver blade; however, only those who went through demon-slaying training knew how to use these methods.
    He took a good look at the demoness. She had the appearance of a late teen-aged girl with long blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. She's even more beautiful than a Succubus, he thought. "And do you think I'd lose it if I fought someone as pretty as you?" he asked. Mardock couldn't be sure if it was really a 'she' of course -- it could be a demon in human female form.
    "You've got some nerve, insolent human!" the girl shouted at him "This is me!"
    Mardock opened the bottle "Well then, there's only one way to prove it," he said, splashing some holy water on the demon.
    The water obviously scalded her skin on contact, but otherwise nothing about her changed, meaning that her true appearance was indeed that of a beautiful human-looking girl.
    Only one demon race had the exact appearance of a human: the most powerful demons in the demon world and the noblest of all, the Daemons.
    "To be challenged by a Daemon!" said Mardock, "Well, that's an honor I've yet to experience."
    The demon girl looked at the small scald marks on her arm. "What the hell is that?" she demanded to know.
    "Holy water," Mardock said "but a powerful demon like you won't be harmed too badly by it."
    Mardock didn't have much equipment. He always had a small bottle of holy water on hand, a curved silver dagger in a sheath fixed onto his belt and a golden staff topped with a sharp circular blade. In addition, he carried a small bag containing some metal rods, scrolls and a special glowing ink for writing on the scrolls.
    The scald marks disappeared in seconds, as though they had never been. "Who cares?" she scoffed. "In any case, you're going to die now!" she shouted, jumping up.
    Daemons had great physical abilities. They could jump really high, their physical strength was enormous and their movements agile.
    The female, who jumped as high as she could, swooped on Mardock threatening him with her fist. If Mardock got hit, he would either die or have a lot of broken bones, but either option was not part of his plan. Just as the demon was about to punch, he dodged back and drew his silver dagger.
    The girl missed Mardock and her fist hit the ground. So powerful was her punch that it made a hole in the damp earth. This was Mardock's chance to strike; while his assailant was still floundering, he could stab her to death. But after waiting so many years to fight a Daemon alone, it was somehow not as challenging as he had expected. Even while on the attack he couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for this female. She was still young and so beautiful, yet all she had ever known was ruthlessness. It wasn't her fault she'd been brought up to believe in what she believed. Mardock felt that if a demon lived in the human world, like a human being, that demon would cease to be cruel and ruthless.
    So engrossed was he in his own thoughts, he failed to notice that he hadn't penetrated the demon's chest, just barely scratched her. He so pitied the poor demon! He really didn't want to kill her. Never had he had such feelings towards demons, but because this one looked so feminine and so human, he fancied she could live in the human world.
    The female sprang back, a look of panic in her brilliant blue eyes: she had almost been stabbed in the chest by a silver dagger; it could have been her end!
    Mardock shelved his thoughts. If he didn't stop the demon straight away, she could easily kill him. Fortunately he knew a lot of ways to actually paralyze a demon. After that he would have more time to figure out what to do with her.
    He flung his staff at her. She smiled and deftly caught it: "Was that suppose to hurt me?" she asked mockingly.
    Her catching the staff was precisely Mardock's plan, but it wasn't going to end with that. Mardock took one of his special rods and threw it a few feet behind the demon. Suddenly she gave a scream of pain as Mardock's staff started burning her hands. She let go. As she still writher in pain, Mardock then took two other rods and threw them several feet to her right and left. She ignored it and just yelled at Mardock: "You'll pay for this!"
    Then, Mardock stuck the fourth rod into the ground next to him. The girl was still furious, but now, instead of trying to attack Mardock by tactile means, she decided to attack him remotely and kill him that way. The palm of her right hand started to emit a purple glow but just as she was about to unleash the full potential of her demonic powers, all the rods around her glowed green and she was stopped in her tracks -- not only unable to move, but also unable to use her demonic powers to lethal advantage.
    "What's this?" she shouted.
    "This should keep you still for the moment," said Mardock.
    The demon tried desperately to break free of whatever was stopping her from moving but the more she struggled, the more difficult and painful it became.
    "Don't struggle so much, you'll just hurt yourself," Mardock advised as he produced from his bag another scroll and his special ink.
    The demon girl sat on the ground and sighed "Well, are you going to kill me?
    The old demon-slayer was amused: had that been his intention he'd have already done it. "No," he said, "I'm trying to think what to do with you. Anyhow, do you have a name?"
    Turning her head away the girl said "I'm called Sapphire, but what does it matter and what do you mean by 'trying to think what to do with me'?"
    "Sapphire is a nice name. Is it because of your eyes?" he asked with a smile.
    Sapphire didn't answer; instead she gazed at him for a moment, her gaze slowly turning into a look of shock. "You…you're a sick man if you think I'm going to let you to exploit me like that!" she said.
    "Take it easy," Mardock was quick to reassure her, "you're more than safe with me."
    "Then release me from whatever you've done and let me kill you!" said the girl.
    Mardock, amused, started to explain "Oh that? While you were otherwise engaged, I stuck four metal rods into the ground around you, each wrapped with a scroll I'd prepared earlier when I sensed you were following me. The scrolls react to your demon blood and will stop even the most powerful demon. If you were a weaker demon, I could have simply stopped you with just one scroll, but that kind of thing won't affect you, my dear."
    Mardock just sat on the ground with his scroll at hand, trying to think what to do next. He could stab her with his silver dagger while she was totally defenseless but that wouldn't be fair. Another option was to deport her back to the demon world. But then she could easily return in a few days and take him unawares. She didn't seem a nasty type, but that was because she looked like a pretty young woman and nothing about her suggested that she was ruthless and without emotion. It was beyond Mardock's power to talk a demon into becoming a good person right away. A demon wouldn't just start to develop emotions without a real reason. After all, for years Sapphire had lived in the demon world and was educated in the demon tradition. Only if she turned human could she possibly develop emotions, but if that didn't happen, then at least she wouldn't be dangerous, because humans lack the necessary power. That was actually a good option, yet impossible. There was, however, one way to stem Sapphire's powers and make her have feelings, but the problem was that Mardock had never before done anything so complicated and clearly it would take some time. He'd never had to tackle such ideas because he had never victimized a demon, but somehow Sapphire had charmed him and aroused his compassion.    
    He drew an ancient letter on the scrolls and started to concentrate.
    Sapphire meanwhile just sat there looking bored. Clearly Mardock wasn't paying her any attention, as though he didn't care that she was still alive and immobile. She wished that either this paralysis would somehow end or she could break free and kill Mardock. She'd gone to the human world specifically to kill Mardock thereby proving to one and all that she was the most powerful demon in the demon world. But she hadn't expected him to overwhelm her with such ease. If only she had paid more attention to the rods he was throwing around! She was furious at Mardock for putting her through so much pain and all she wanted was to use her demonic powers to kill him and get her revenge. "If you are just going to sit there the whole day, then please kill me before I die of boredom!" she said, exasperated.
    He smiled sardonically: "Why be in such a hurry to die? Are you afraid of what the other demons will think of you back in the demon world? If I kill you, then you're just another of those countless demons I've already killed in my lifetime. Do you really want to be remembered like that? It doesn't seem so glorious to me."
    Sapphire angrily punched the ground with all her might, but that was a mistake, her whole body shuddered in pain. She was stuck where she was, but within that space she could at least move a little. Then the thought struck her: Mardock had said that one scroll wouldn't be enough to paralyze someone like her. But if one of the four scrolls got damaged, she thought, then maybe she could still break free and kill him. She couldn't run away; if she returned to the demon world and it became known that she had escaped, everyone there would call her a coward. Therefore she had no choice but to kill Mardock.
    He was sitting, eyes closed in deep concentration. She picked up a stone and threw it at the rod to her left, hoping to damage it somehow. But it needed a lot of luck to actually hit the thin rod around which the scroll was wrapped – and she missed. She picked up another stone and tried to aim better this time. Her sudden movement caused a spasm of pain down her back, but she hit the target. However, it did nothing and Sapphire was still not free. Maybe she needed to knock the rod over so the scroll would get muddy and wet, but for that she needed something bigger, more weighty. Looking around she found what she needed; the demon-slayer's staff was still there -- Mardock hadn't removed it.  But if she tried to pick it up she'd get burned and while her powers were still paralyzed, her wounds may not heal so fast. Still, she decided, it was a risk she had to take. If she wanted to break free she had to pick up the staff, endure the pain and throw it at one of the rods. That was the only way she could free herself and kill Mardock.
    She surveyed him from the side: even after her two attempts to damage the scroll, he had not turned to look at her. This was her best chance before he noticed what she was trying to do.
    Eyes narrowed she nimbly lifted the staff. The flesh of her hands immediately started to burn and she cried out in pain. Summoning all her strength, she threw the staff at the same rod she had aimed at before. Her whole body was wracked in pain, caused by paralysis, this in addition to the terrible burns on her hands. The pain would soon be over, she told herself as she hurled the staff.
    Then all of a sudden she felt some of her strength returning. She opened her eyes and saw the rod she had aimed at lying on the ground. She'd done it! Now all that remained was to hit Mardock. Finish him off. By now he had opened his eyes. Obviously, Sapphire's moves had not gone unnoticed and he was going to defend himself or attack her -- at least that's what she thought. She would have used her demonic powers, but she was still somewhat weak and partly affected by paralysis. She sprang at Mardock, ready to deliver him a deadly punch.
    All this time she hadn't noticed that not only was Mardock ignoring her, he was also talking in a strange language. He saw her leap towards him and quickly sprang to his feet. Holding his scroll aloft he shouted: "Seal!"
    At that moment, all the letters in the scroll started to glow green, then a green flashy beam emanated from it in Sapphire's direction. So huge was this beam that it covered Sapphire's entire body, but while this strange green light was on her she felt no pain, just a weird sensation flowing through her body.

so.....better? worse? bad just as before?  ;D