Things I shouldn't do in the Black Organization...
Posted: October 6th, 2009, 8:30 pm
I never thought there would ever be a reason for me to post in the fanworks section, but I thought someone on the internet might appreciate a list of humorous things loyal members of our favorite mysterious syndicate should NOT do. I have 26 27 33 + bonus items currently written and I am/have been updating them in my sig every 2-3 days. I will add them here as I update. With our combined effort, perhaps we can come up with a fifty item long or so official list, so please add away.
Edit: I reordered them.
#1: I will not secretly slip bleach into the other operatives' laundry.
#2: I will not call Korn's glasses "beer goggles".
#3: When I text the boss about the success of my various misdeeds, I will use complete sentences and proper grammar instead of lolspeak and emoticons.
#4: I will not knit beanies in front of Bourbon. Also, I will certainly not ask him to try them on.
#5: I will not use the infrared thermographers for voyeuristic purposes.
#6: I will not take the phones of operatives I don't like and add the CIA tipline to their contact lists.
#7: I will not blackmail Kir into hooking me up with one of her former co-stars.
#8: I will not do doughnuts in the secret underground parking lot in Gin's Porsche.
#9: If I dent said Porsche, I will not blame it on Vodka.
#10: I will not have pizza delivered directly to any of our secret hideouts.
#11: I will not use "Sherry hunting" as an excuse to take a day off.
#12: I will not sneak into Gin's apartment to see what kind of shampoo and conditioner he uses. I understand that adding dye to said haircare products forfeits my privilege to live.
#13: I will not suggest the real reason for the boss's dress code is that he has a fetish for black catsuits.
#14: If an operative orders a mixed drink, I will not suggest they are doing naughty things with the other operatives whose codenames match the ingredients.
#15: I will not use any phrase containing the words "liver" or "fava beans" around Chianti.
#16: I will not hide reddish-brown hairs in Gin's underwear drawer.
#17: I will not shine laser pointers on other operatives so I can laugh at how ridiculous they look while attempting to dodge an imaginary sniper.
#18: I will not speculate aloud what is under other operatives' hats.
#19: I will not ask Vermouth to do impressions of other operatives, especially after she has been drinking.
#20: I will not do this to other operatives.
#21: Gin can see perfectly well through his bangs, so he will not appreciate barrettes even if the green rhinestones compliment his eyes nicely.
#22: I will not suggest to the boss that he should change his phone number to The Godfather theme.
#23: I will not suggest to the boss that he should change his phone number to the Men in Black theme.
#24: If I discover one of the org's tracking devices on me, I will not leave it in a bathroom stall in a gay bar for other operatives to retrieve.
#25: I will not use the syndicate's C4 supply for blast fishing.
#26: I will not append "chan" to other operatives' codenames, especially those of my superiors.
#27: I will not tell Gin to come out of the closet because he has long hair, perfectly manicured nails, a low-cut trenchcoat, a purple cell phone...
#28: I will not suggest the Syndicate needs a mascot during any of the secret meetings. Ditto for the swimsuit edition agent pin-up calendar.
#29: I will not express any monetary value in terms of the amount of mascara Kir uses per week.
#30: I will not shave Vermouth's cat like a poodle and claim I was practicing disguise techniques.
#31: I will not talk about rollercoasters in front of Vodka. He is still sensitive about the Tropical Land incident.
#32: I will not smuggle any of the mice used in the Apoptoxin 4869 experiments out as pets.
#33: I will not refer to Gin as Santa Claus because he climbed down a chimney at the Hyde City Hotel.
Ex-agent Bonus items
Bonus #1: I will not ask Tequila if he is André the Giant's long lost brother.
Bonus #2: I will not tell Sherry I saw Moroboshi Dai molesting Akemi and start a betting pool on how he is going to die.
Bonus #3: I will not replace the tobacco in Pisco's cigarretes with finely divided goat's droppings and start a betting pool on how many he smokes before he figures it out.
Bonus #4: I will not attempt to break the world record for longest microcentrifuge tube chain using Sherry's lab supplies.
Bonus #5: I will not give Moroboshi Dai a fluorescent pink beanie with little hearts and flowers and claim that Akemi knitted it for him to wear.
Bonus #6: I will not start a debate about whether Gin or Rye is the evil twin.
Edit: I reordered them.
#1: I will not secretly slip bleach into the other operatives' laundry.
#2: I will not call Korn's glasses "beer goggles".
#3: When I text the boss about the success of my various misdeeds, I will use complete sentences and proper grammar instead of lolspeak and emoticons.
#4: I will not knit beanies in front of Bourbon. Also, I will certainly not ask him to try them on.
#5: I will not use the infrared thermographers for voyeuristic purposes.
#6: I will not take the phones of operatives I don't like and add the CIA tipline to their contact lists.
#7: I will not blackmail Kir into hooking me up with one of her former co-stars.
#8: I will not do doughnuts in the secret underground parking lot in Gin's Porsche.
#9: If I dent said Porsche, I will not blame it on Vodka.
#10: I will not have pizza delivered directly to any of our secret hideouts.
#11: I will not use "Sherry hunting" as an excuse to take a day off.
#12: I will not sneak into Gin's apartment to see what kind of shampoo and conditioner he uses. I understand that adding dye to said haircare products forfeits my privilege to live.
#13: I will not suggest the real reason for the boss's dress code is that he has a fetish for black catsuits.
#14: If an operative orders a mixed drink, I will not suggest they are doing naughty things with the other operatives whose codenames match the ingredients.
#15: I will not use any phrase containing the words "liver" or "fava beans" around Chianti.
#16: I will not hide reddish-brown hairs in Gin's underwear drawer.
#17: I will not shine laser pointers on other operatives so I can laugh at how ridiculous they look while attempting to dodge an imaginary sniper.
#18: I will not speculate aloud what is under other operatives' hats.
#19: I will not ask Vermouth to do impressions of other operatives, especially after she has been drinking.
#20: I will not do this to other operatives.
#21: Gin can see perfectly well through his bangs, so he will not appreciate barrettes even if the green rhinestones compliment his eyes nicely.
#22: I will not suggest to the boss that he should change his phone number to The Godfather theme.
#23: I will not suggest to the boss that he should change his phone number to the Men in Black theme.
#24: If I discover one of the org's tracking devices on me, I will not leave it in a bathroom stall in a gay bar for other operatives to retrieve.
#25: I will not use the syndicate's C4 supply for blast fishing.
#26: I will not append "chan" to other operatives' codenames, especially those of my superiors.
#27: I will not tell Gin to come out of the closet because he has long hair, perfectly manicured nails, a low-cut trenchcoat, a purple cell phone...
#28: I will not suggest the Syndicate needs a mascot during any of the secret meetings. Ditto for the swimsuit edition agent pin-up calendar.
#29: I will not express any monetary value in terms of the amount of mascara Kir uses per week.
#30: I will not shave Vermouth's cat like a poodle and claim I was practicing disguise techniques.
#31: I will not talk about rollercoasters in front of Vodka. He is still sensitive about the Tropical Land incident.
#32: I will not smuggle any of the mice used in the Apoptoxin 4869 experiments out as pets.
#33: I will not refer to Gin as Santa Claus because he climbed down a chimney at the Hyde City Hotel.
Ex-agent Bonus items
Bonus #1: I will not ask Tequila if he is André the Giant's long lost brother.
Bonus #2: I will not tell Sherry I saw Moroboshi Dai molesting Akemi and start a betting pool on how he is going to die.
Bonus #3: I will not replace the tobacco in Pisco's cigarretes with finely divided goat's droppings and start a betting pool on how many he smokes before he figures it out.
Bonus #4: I will not attempt to break the world record for longest microcentrifuge tube chain using Sherry's lab supplies.
Bonus #5: I will not give Moroboshi Dai a fluorescent pink beanie with little hearts and flowers and claim that Akemi knitted it for him to wear.
Bonus #6: I will not start a debate about whether Gin or Rye is the evil twin.
It's interesting that only a few of them are similar to ones I came up with; most of them are completely different. Any suggestions how should we make this official list by the way? Should we aggregate them into one post or let people comment with new ones and 