Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

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mangaluva
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Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

Last year, I wrote a novel during NaNoWriMo. I finished it a couple months later and started editing it together. I've been doing that in creeping bits for months because I have a problem.

I simultaneously love this book and am so proud of it, and utterly despise it and think that every word it shit. Editing is really hard work because every word I read is making me think "I kinda like it but EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WILL HATE IT". I need an outside eye taking a look at it, just commenting on what works, what doesn't, what isn't clear, if any of it's really, really good. The problem is that I can't afford to have this done professionally, and I'm terrified of trying to shop it around without anyone getting an outside look at it first. I mean, Twilight was apparently published without anything resembling editing, but I like to think I have standards.

Below are the first two scenes. I'm willing to send the full text (124 pages in MS Word) to anyone who's interested in helping edit even a bit of it, or even who just thinks they want to read it and would be willing to email me to tell me if they hated it or not.
Spoiler:
“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old man at the roadside, so fast asleep he could be taken for dead, sprang to life as the young man in the hoodie stepped under the bridge. His hands were tucked into his pockets, where something clinked, and a little boy was scurrying along at his heels. Jackpot. He’s got coins to hand anyway, and nobody wants to look bad in front of their kid. “Spare coins, sir?” he called again.

“Cap,” the little boy said, stopping and staring at the old man. “He’s…”

“Right.” The man, ‘Cap’, pulled his gloved left hand out of his pocket and reached it towards the old beggar, fist clenched. This is too easy. There’s nobody around for miles. That little boy looks so succulent…

Before Cap could open his fist to hand over the coins, the old beggar grabbed his wrist, pulled back the sleeve, and bit.

Even before the foul taste spread over his tongue, he could tell that something was wrong.

There were plenty of humans in the world with dark skin, but none as dark as this. The arm under his fangs was black as pitch, black as coal, and just as tough and dry. Despite that, the man’s face was mild brown, practically white next to this black, dead arm…

The old bloodsucker spat the arm out, but the foul taste had spread down his throat. He could taste it all through his body. He felt dry, rotted…

“What a piece of shit,” Cap said scornfully, watching the creature writhe on the ground. “He prefers to drink blood through the wrist arteries, so he feeds on kindhearted people with coins for a beggar. Bit off more than you could chew here, didn’t you?”

“Cap, is your arm okay?” the little boy said, peering with worry at the bite in Cap’s left wrist.

“Of course it’s not,” Cap said, pulling his sleeve back down and stuffing his arm into his pocket to hide it. “It’s not like a little bite can make a curse any worse. Hear that, bloodsucker?” He glared down at the creature, which appeared to be imploding. They’d seen this in demons that had tried to devour Cap’s blood before. It was turning to dust from the inside out. “You just drank a black curse. Hope it tastes terrible.” He turned and continued walking along the underpass. “Are you coming, pup?”

“Yeah…” Alf watched the demon crumble entirely into dust, and then ran off after Cap. “Cap? If you didn’t have a cursed limb, what would you do?”

“I’ve got one,” Cap said, twitching his left shoulder. “I deal with it.”

“Yeah, but if you didn’t,” the boy persisted.

“Well… it’d be harder, but I’d probably cut off its head,” Cap said, glancing back at the pile of dust that had killed at least eighteen people in the previous year alone. “And then set it on fire. Or just set it on fire.”

“Would that kill it?” Alf wanted to know.

“There’s not much that doesn’t kill, pup.”

[center]{}[/center]

A while later, two people could be seen standing by the side of the road, thumbs out as they watched the cars go by. The man looked to be in his late twenties, with mild brown skin and black hair that didn’t quite hide a scar on his forehead. The little boy next to him had to be his son, no older than seven with identical colouring. Both of them were wearing shabby brown trousers and worn black jackets. It was an elderly couple that took pity on them and pulled over, offering them a lift. They were in a rusty old pickup that barely had room for them, but there was space in the back aside from a couple of old tables.

“Where are you headed?” the young man asked.

“We’re going down to Kalimpong,” the old man behind the wheel replied. “How about you?”

“Kalimpong will do,” the young man said, lifting the boy one-handedly into the back of the pickup and then climbing in himself. “We can get a taxi to where we need to go from there. Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it, dear, we just hate to see you and your little boy out there when it’s getting late,” the old lady insisted as the car started up again.

“You can call me Mr Tenzin, and this is my wife,” the old man said, turning the car back onto the road.

“Call me Captain,” the man said, watching the trees go by, “and this is Alf.”

“So, where are you headed to?” Mrs Tenzin asked conversationally.

“Going to meet a friend of mine,” Captain said shortly. Mrs Tenzin tried asking him a few more questions, but he always answered briefly and then lapsed into a stubborn silence. He didn’t even take his hands out of his pockets. Little Alf leaned out of the side of the pickup, sticking his head out and watching everything go by with wide eyes. He didn’t speak when asked questions, making Mrs Tenzin wonder if he was mute.

They really did look startlingly alike, with similar long features, thick hair and large brown eyes. Mrs Tenzin couldn’t help staring at the eyes every time she glanced back at them to try to ask a question. Their eyes seemed… off, somehow, a little out of proportion. Their eyes seemed just a little too large for their faces. Alf didn’t squint at all in the wind.

All in all, while the pair was perfectly polite—when they got out of the car, the little boy bowed politely even though he didn’t say anything—they were still strange, and the Tenzins were a little relieved to see the back of them when they reached Kalimpong.
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by kirite »

Lovely work. Love the tone of the story so far : )

“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old man at the roadside, so fast asleep he could be taken for dead, sprang to life as the young man in the hoodie stepped under the bridge.


This confused me. If the old man (the beggar) was sleeping how can he be begging for coins? If he begged after he woke up, then make that more clear. I was confused to who's who at the beginning because of this.
Hey, I have an idea, let's have a THIS SUCKS / NO THIS SUCKS / NO YOU / NO YOU argument for a couple pages, that will really be great. - Ingmar
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

kirite wrote:Lovely work. Love the tone of the story so far : )

“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old man at the roadside, so fast asleep he could be taken for dead, sprang to life as the young man in the hoodie stepped under the bridge.


This confused me. If the old man (the beggar) was sleeping how can he be begging for coins? If he begged after he woke up, then make that more clear. I was confused to who's who at the beginning because of this.
agdhgdiof this is why I need someone to beta-edit
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by kirite »

I don't really...speak English OTL but I wouldn't mind giving it a read. Warning that I can't help much though since English confuse me forever. Also I'll be traveling so I read slow OTL.

It'll be cool if you post some up here though, we seem to have a lot of writers around here.
Hey, I have an idea, let's have a THIS SUCKS / NO THIS SUCKS / NO YOU / NO YOU argument for a couple pages, that will really be great. - Ingmar
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by Commi-Ninja »

I can read it for you, but not for a few months. If you still need someone in, say, December, I'd be happy to help you. :)
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by CoolKid94 »

I do some writing on the side, too, so I know exactly how you feel. I'll be happy to help out, as I've had plenty of experience editing my own work. (Except my fanfics, but I don't talk about those.) The novel is getting off to a great start, if the excerpt is anything to judge by. :)
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

You're welcome to PM me an email address to send the full thing to. Even a "I like it!" or a "I stopped reading on page X because I realized all the characters are shit" will do wonders to stop me rolling around in a puddle of anxiety and formless paranoia and actually work on this thing.
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by Kor »

When you say "shop it around", do you mean to send this to a literary agent, or to self-publish it on your own?

Regardless, yeah I know the feeling exactly. It's always nice to have other people read and comment on it. Dare I say, we need to have a DCTP writing group?

On the topic of editing, I feel I can't help with it that much since I'm not a native speaker.

As for reading and commenting about it, I can do that since I'll have a long flight next week to the states.

That said, about the sample you posted: I was just puzzled by the point of view. What sort of third-person narrative are you going for? At first we know the thoughts of the beggar, so it's subjective to him, but once he's dead, we jump to either Alf or Cap. Then in the next scene, we follow the thoughts of Mrs Tenzin.
Since I don't know what happens next, I don't want to assume anything, so could you explain your narrative approach?
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

I want to shop around for an agent; I just have no confidence in having any idea what I'm doing with self-publishing.

Some of my favourite authors are Christopher Brookmyre, George R. R. Martin and my lord and God, Sir Terry Pratchett. They all do what I think of "angled" narration; that is, while the narration is in third-person, different scenes will be from the "point of view", sort of, of particular characters. It's most noticeable in George R. R. Martin's stuff, but Brookmyre and Sir Pterry do it too. Things like you only heard the thoughts of the sorta-POV character, or an incident that happened in an earlier chapter that the reader is aware of is described differently from that character's sorta-POV to indicate that rumours are being spread or the incident has been mythologised or whatever. Basically, it's third-person, but it tends to be angled from a particular character, and it's extremely hard for me NOT to do because, as I said, all of my favourite authors do it and they kiiiiiinda influence my writing style. Just a bit :P
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by Kor »

I also read a couple of books with angled narration, and even though I've used this approach (more or less) in the first novel I wrote, it's a tool I'd actually rather not use (for the most part) because I decided my intended audience is young, and it might be complicated.
Speaking of which, who is your intended audience, and in which genre/s is your novel?

Back to the narrative, the thing that threw me off was the change of POV inside the first scene, and I'm not entirely sure if it's okay to do that...? Changing between scenes is obviously fine, but changing POV inside the scene is probably something you'd like to avoid.
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by Commi-Ninja »

DCTP Writing Group: yes!

As for changing POV, I've seen it done inside a single scene, but it does tend to get a bit complicated if you do that, as it leans more toward 3rd-person omniscient, without the thoughts of EVERY character present.
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by kirite »

So, I read this all in 1 go right before bed yesterday.

.....Why did I do that?

/huddles under bed wide awake in terror

(I mean this in a this-story-is-so-good-I'm-going-to-be-sleeping-with-a-flashlight-now kinda way)

Publishing something like this is tricky however. At least according to author who wrote anything "too scary for children".
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by CoolKid94 »

Sent a PM with my email. Someone should totally start a writing group, if only to get the quiet people out of the woodwork. I know I'd join. :)
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

*hugs Kirite*

It's very much fantasy/horror and not for children. I might split the first scene to avoid the shifting POV, then. It's honestly not something I consciously do, it's just the way the scenes turn up in my head and I've had a lot of difficulty any time I've tried to write while deliberately avoiding angled narration. As I said, the majority of the stuff I read uses it to one degree or another, so it's just kinda ingrained XP
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Re: Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

Post by mangaluva »

The edited first scene now looks like this:
Spoiler:
“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old man lurched out of the shadows, palms out and eyes pleading as the young man in the hoodie stepped under the bridge. The young man’s hands were tucked into his pockets, where something clinked, and a little boy was scurrying along at his heels. Jackpot. He’s got coins to hand anyway, and nobody wants to look bad in front of their kid. “Spare coins, sir?” he called again.

“Cap,” the little boy said, stopping and staring at the old man. “He’s…”

“Right.” The man, ‘Cap’, pulled his gloved left hand out of his pocket and reached it towards the old beggar, fist clenched. This is too easy. There’s nobody around for miles. That little boy looks so succulent…

Before Cap could open his fist to hand over the coins, the old beggar grabbed his wrist, pulled back the sleeve, and bit.

Even before the foul taste spread over his tongue, he could tell that something was wrong.

There were plenty of humans in the world with dark skin, but none as dark as this. The arm under his fangs was black as pitch, black as coal, and just as tough and dry. Despite that, the man’s face was mild brown, practically white next to this black, dead arm…

The old bloodsucker spat the arm out, but the foul taste had spread down his throat. He could taste it all through his body. He felt dry, rotted…

Then the darkness reached out and consumed him again.

[center]{}[/center]

“What a piece of shit,” Cap said scornfully, watching the creature writhe on the ground. “He prefers to drink blood through the wrist arteries, so he feeds on kindhearted people with coins for a beggar. Bit off more than you could chew here, didn’t you?”

“Cap, is your arm okay?” the little boy said, peering with worry at the bite in Cap’s left wrist.

“Of course it’s not,” Cap said, pulling his sleeve back down and stuffing his arm into his pocket to hide it. “It’s not like a little bite can make a curse any worse. Hear that, bloodsucker?” He glared down at the creature, which appeared to be imploding. They’d seen this in demons that had tried to devour Cap’s blood before. It was turning to dust from the inside out. “You just drank a black curse. Hope it tastes terrible.” He turned and continued walking along the underpass. “Are you coming, pup?”

“Yeah…” Alf watched the demon crumble entirely into dust, and then ran off after Cap. “Cap? If you didn’t have a cursed limb, what would you do?”

“I’ve got one,” Cap said, twitching his left shoulder. “I deal with it.”

“Yeah, but if you didn’t,” the boy persisted.

“Well… it’d be harder, but I’d probably cut off its head,” Cap said, glancing back at the pile of dust that had killed at least eighteen people in the previous year alone. “And then set it on fire. Or just set it on fire.”

“Would that kill it?” Alf wanted to know.

“There’s not much that doesn’t kill, pup.”
Also, because I have a weakness for starving-fanartist "commission me plz!" bids, I bought a sketch of Alf, Saylee, Kiyah and Ana more or less as they are at the end of the book. Minor spoilers, I guess, but IT'S ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH and I think I might tape it over the wall at my desk with the words "GET THIS BLOODY THING PUBLISHED" written in blood on it.
Spoiler:
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