Original novel by me--PLEASE HELP

[kirite]

“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old man lurched out of the shadows, palms out and eyes pleading as the young man in the hoodie stepped under the bridge. The young man’s hands were tucked into his pockets, where something clinked, and a little boy was scurrying along at his heels. Jackpot. He’s got coins to hand anyway, and nobody wants to look bad in front of their kid. “Spare coins, sir?” he called again.


It still read a bit disjointed to me...maybe it's just me?


“Coins for a beggar, sir? Any coins to spare for a man out of home?”

The old beggar staggered pitifully out of the shadows, palms out and eyes pleading to a young man who stepped under the bridge. The young man was wearing a hoodie and his hands were tucked into his pocket, where something clinked enticingly at his very step. Behind him a little boy was scurrying along at his heels.

Or something like that? Ahh writing is so hard D8.

[aly_angelflight]

With the target audience of this novel in mind... it's fine as it is. Kirite's version is more what I'd expect from a novel whose target audience is somewhere under the age of 13.

Really, the only thing I'd correct there is that "out of home"... Just like in "out of a job", it's supposed to be "out of *a* home".

[mangaluva]

Thanks for all the input, guys ^_^; I think "people out of home" was the phrasing that used to be used on a bunch of ads for a homeless charity here and it's stuck in my head, I'll go add that "a" in... XP